To Kill a Cullen
by EvilSheep1
Summary: Everyone describes Edward as being the best thing since sliced bread. Invincible, handsome, and, again, the best thing since sliced bread. So, I've decided to show you some ways we can kill Edward, both realistically and ridiculously.
1. Chapter 1: The List

Chapter 1: The List

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I do not own Twilight, nor any of its characters. This simply contains characters within the Twilight universe, which is owned by Stephenie Meyer.

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The rules of the list are as follows:

Anything/anyone within the bounds of reality or within another work of fiction which/who could kill Edward Cullen.

Burn the Witch!

Shoot him

Nuke him

It's CHUCK!

Introducing Superman!

Meet: Tohno Shiki

The Crazy Frog

Myself

A barbeque

A match

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Afterword: This will follow community guidelines, as most chapters will contain a story relevant to the number on the list


	2. Chapter 2: Burn the Witch!

Chapter 2: Burn the Witch!

I think we'll start in the realms of the Twilight universe.

Edward Cullen is a vampire. What is the number one rule for vampires in the Twilight series? Don't be found out. So, how shall we kill Edward Cullen first?

"Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!" Chanted the crowd, headed towards Edward's tent. How the hell did this happen?

Edward, hearing the thoughts of the crowd, turned to head out of his tent, ready to run away. He couldn't be found out. Travelling with these men in the desert of Utah had been fun, but it seemed it was time for him to leave.

Edward grabbed his belongings from within his tent, and rushed out the back entrance. But it was already too late. Unfortunately, there had been another vampire travelling with him. Edward was cornered. The vampire pushed him to the ground. "I've caught the witch!" He yelled, and the other campers quickly came and grabbed him.

"Why am I a witch?" He asked them? "Why are you doing this?" Edward couldn't fight back. He couldn't risk discovery. If he showed any of his vampire abilities now, he would either have to kill every one of the men, which was against his moral code, or he would be killed by the Volturi after the other vampire, obviously wishing for his death, would turn him in. As such, he had to resort to words.

"We're sorry, but we've been convinced. You're a witch, and you need to be killed." one of the men said. Edward continued to try and convince them of his innocence. They just wouldn't listen to anything he said. They always responded with the same thing. "We're sorry, but we've been convinced."

The men tied Edward to a stake in the ground, and set it alight. Edward burned to death.

So: Simple Explanation - Edward somehow gets caught. He can't use his vampire abilities due to the risk of exposing himself, and wouldn't be willing to kill all the observers, and if he didn't, he'd burn to death.


	3. Chapter 3: Shoot him or Nuke him

Chapter 3: Shoot Him or Nuke Him

Saturday, 3 April 2010

1:34 AM

I won't be writing a story for this chapter, just explaining it.

**Shoot him**

Edward Cullen, while being "Incredibly fast, strong and agile", is not fast enough, nor does he have the reaction time to dodge a bullet. Based on, well, general biology, even if Edward is dead, it should be easy to kill him simply by stopping his brain activity, the only thing that causes Edward's existence. If we cut off his brain from the rest of his body, he won't be able to function, and will finally be completely dead.

As such, to kill him, we simply need to shoot him in the head. The only problem is catching him unprepared. To do this, we either need to:

A: Catch him in a place with so many people that he can't process them all at once, or

B: Find someone like Bella, who's mind he can't read.

**Nuke him**

A nuclear bomb. Assuming Edward is bound by the laws of physics, (which of course, he is required to be, otherwise he would fade out of existence), he would not be able to survive a nuclear bomb. It would quite literally pull him apart at a molecular level, atom by atom, and destroy him completely. Even if Edward somehow managed to get warning that the bomb was coming, he wouldn't be able to avoid it without running about 6km in the time it takes for the bomb from the plane to hit the ground. And chances are, he would have to run even further, with the 6km requirement suggesting that less than 10% of the nuke actually reacted.

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AN: More will come. Just be patient. Wait till I've finished my D&D adventure for my friends and I and you'll get another chapter :P course, more humour coming in the next few XD


	4. Chapter 4: It's CHUCK!

AN: Well, my Dungeons and Dragons adventure is done, so there'll be a new chapter this week! Hurrah!

There's something I've learned from the experience of writing this FanFic; that at two in the morning, I am more creative than at any other point in the day.

I'd like to thank Sheeka and xXxForeverMidnightxXx for the good reviews! This chapter is dedicated to you guys :P. Hope I'll be seeing some more good feedback soon everyone ;)

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"Hey Bella, why did you want to come to Comic-Con so badly?" Edward asked.

"Well, I heard that they'd turned some highly-popular vampire based novel into a comic and that a movie based on it is coming out soon. I wanted to see if the following of the series was as large as the rumours suggested. And, well, look around! People dressed as vampires everywhere." replied Bella.

"And what might this mysterious series called?"

"No idea. Let's have a look around, shall we?"

Edward and Bella weaved their way through the massive throng of people in the convention centre, quickly passing most of the booths, searching for a stall that might be related to the vampire novel. Unfortunately, they were stopped in the middle of their search when, out of nowhere, a human male flew at an incredibly high speed through the now split crowd, right towards Bella. Edward quickly moved in front of her and caught the man midflight.

Bella was stunned.

"What happened?" She asked. Edward stood completely still, still holding the man and glaring in the direction that he had come from. Bella looked over Edwards shoulder and through the parted crowd of people saw none other than Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger.

"Well well well, what do we have here? You're very strong and have great reactions. You're probably much stronger than that guy." said Chuck, pointing at the man Edward had caught. "Care to try your luck in a fight, against none other than myself? I'm usually not one for unnecessary violence, but this'll be an exception."

Edward, after placing the man back on the ground, moved slowly towards the Texas Ranger. He stood eye to eye with him, and extended his hand.

"For almost killing my girlfriend, you're on." he said. The crowd gasped. Chuck took Edwards hand and shook it. He then leaned forward and whispered in Edward's ear.

"One hour, in the unused room at the back of the convention centre. Just you and me, no observers."

"I'll be there." replied Edward.

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One hour later

"Edward, remember that he's just a man. They say that, while God created the world, Chuck Norris let him, but we both know that isn't true. He may have almost killed me, but since he is a man, please try not to accidentally kill him. I'd rather you didn't fight at all, but I know that isn't going to happen, so please, please try not to hurt him too much."

"Don't worry Bella; I'll just knock him out. I'll stick to a speed that's possible for a human, and knock him out as quickly as possible. I may want to completely destroy him for almost hurting you, but I'll hold back, for you."  
"Thank you, Edward"

At that moment, Chuck finally arrived outside the room where Edward and Bella were waiting.

"The room is soundproof, and there is no way for anyone to look inside, so this will be completely private" said Chuck. "Remember, while two of us go in, only one of us will be coming out. Good luck to you." Chuck extended his hand, and Edward shook it.

"Good luck to you too" said Edward. They then entered the room.

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Five minutes later, the door opened. Standing there was none other than Chuck Norris. He was covered in blood, none of it his own.

"My most challenging opponent yet!" he said. He then turned to face Bella.

"What's your name, girl?" Chuck asked.

"Bella" she replied.

"Well, Bella, I'm sorry about your boyfriend. He was a great fighter, and I had a great time. Too bad he wasn't a little stronger; I could have had a lot more fun with him."

So: What have we learned from this chapter? Well, that no matter who or what it is, no one can beat Chuck Norris.

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AN:

To any "fundamentalist" Christians out there who may be offended, let me tell you this: I am a Christian myself. I believe in God. Chuck Norris did not let God create the world, God created Chuck Norris. The End.

To everyone else: Hope you like the story! I think this is the longest one yet… Chuck Norris jokes may be old, but it's fun to play around with them on occasion.


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